


Heart to Heart (Xa)

by Waldo



Series: The Human Body [10]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, Episode: s02e14 Grace Under Pressure, Established Relationship, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-07-30
Updated: 2006-07-30
Packaged: 2017-10-06 08:36:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/51734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waldo/pseuds/Waldo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Radek's got a crush... which makes John realize how lucky he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heart to Heart (Xa)

John wasn't claustrophobic. He couldn't afford to be in the military. But after so many hours in the tiny puddle jumper with all that water pressing in on them, he needed to be outside for a little while. Breathe some fresh air, feel the breeze on his skin.

Carson had cleared both him and Radek and was busy getting Rodney stitched up and situated for a night in the infirmary, so he headed for a nearby balcony, intent on going back down there after a while to see if Carson was heading home any time that night.

He blinked a few times as his eyes adjusted to the darkness outside. Leaning on the railing, he took a few deep breaths of salt air and wondered why the scent of the ocean didn't put him off after the day he'd had. Maybe it was because in the jumper, and under the shield, the air hadn't smelled like salt at all.

Staring at the black water made him nervous after a while, so he turned to lean back against the railing and study the stars. As he turned he thought he saw a flash of motion. "Hello?"

He was about to raise the balcony lights when he heard a small "I'm sorry" and someone pulled out of the shadows in the corner and headed for the door back inside.

"Radek?" John reached out to snag his sleeve and keep him from leaving.

The smaller man stopped moving as John caught his arm, but he didn't turn around. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you." He sniffled.

John shook his head and sighed affectionately as he gently tugged on Zelenka's arm, pulling him over to the bench near the wall. "You were here first. I should be apologizing to you." John got him seated on the bench, and then moved back to his place leaning back on the railing.

Radek sat on the cool bench, eyes down, saying nothing.

John wasn't sure what to say. He'd always liked Zelenka, but it seemed that the only time they spent a great deal of time together was when they were trying to save Rodney's life. They got along well, but he wasn't sure he could really call him a friend. He knew the man had a sister and nephew he wasn't overly fond of, and that he couldn't swim, but he couldn't name one television show he liked or tell you what he ate on his pizza. He wasn't even sure he ate pizza or watched television.

But still, something clearly had to be done. The man was sitting huddled on a bench on a balcony, his glasses gripped in one hand, the other making frequent passes over his eyes. John sank to the floor against the rail. "Rodney's going to be okay," he said, not sure where else to start.

Radek nodded quickly. "Yes. Good." He wiped his the sleeve of his blue shirt across his eyes again.

"We're okay," John said quietly, his head tilted, trying to get Radek to give him a little help.

Radek squeezed his eyes closed and said softly, "Griffin's dead."

John nodded, "Yeah. I didn't realize you knew him well."

Radek hooked his glasses on the neckline of his shirt and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes and folded himself over his knees. "I did not. He was one of the new pilots off _Daedalus_. But, as Rodney made sure to point out, I am in charge of the jumpers and…" Whatever else was going to come after that was buried behind the sob Radek just couldn't swallow any longer.

John jumped up off the floor and moved up next to Zelenka. He straddled the bench and slid close to him, putting one arm around his shoulders, but letting Radek decide how much space would stay between them. Radek didn't move at all, neither shaking off John's hand nor leaning into him. "This isn't your fault," John whispered.

Radek jerked upright, dislodging John's hand. "How is it not? The jumpers are my responsibility, no? I signed off that it was repaired, yes? I talked Rodney into going because I do not like to fly – which, if you think about it is horrible trait for someone who repairs flying craft for a living!" The next several sentences were in Czech and John didn't even pretend to understand them. He also figured it was less than advisable to ask him to try them again in English.

He squeezed Radek's shoulder again. "We have all had to accept that we are playing with technology so far over our heads that there are going to be accidents. And some of them will be bad – people will get hurt, they might even die – but we can't take them personally. Every person who signed on to this expedition knew that there was a chance that they could die here, but signed on anyway because the rewards would be greater than the risks."

Radek hung his head again. "Rodney blames me," he finally said.

John shook his head. "Rodney likes to make noise. He'll be over it in the morning. Once Carson releases him from the infirmary, this will all be behind him."

Zelenka shook his head slowly, sadly. "You were not there. I went to see him after I was released by Doctor Biro. He said that I should have been in that jumper instead of him."

John put his other hand on Radek's other shoulder. "Knowing Rodney he may have meant what you think he meant… or he could have meant that maybe if you'd been there, you'd have known what to do better than he did. Try him again in the morning, when he's not suffering quite so much from head trauma. Please remember this is the guy who was talking to someone who wasn't there the whole time he was waiting for us. He should be much more reasonable when he's not as freaked out about the whole thing. And for as often as Rodney gets pissed, at least we have the saving grace that he doesn't stay pissed for very long." John found himself gently squeezing Radek's shoulders, feeling the tenseness of the muscles, knowing that in the morning, he'd be sore as hell from the adrenaline rush and tension of the day.

"Samantha Carter," Radek said, and John could practically feel Radek's eyes roll, even though he had his back. "Please don't remind me."

"Sick of hearing about her?" John asked, hoping that they could move on to a lighter subject, like Rodney's lack of a love life, excepting his own concussion-induced delirium.

"Samantha Carter, Katie Brown, and also this bizarre fixation on Lieutenant Cadman. I have had to endure it all. Because how can I tell him I do not want to hear about it?"

John detected a lot more bitterness than he expected for the subject. "Gets on your nerves with it all, does he?"

Radek sighed, pushing his hair back off his face. "Can I ask you a personal question, Colonel?"

"I suppose. And, you know, after the day we've had, you really can call me by my name."

"I will try, but I think I have finally just stopped thinking to call you 'Major'." He shook his head. "My apologies, I am very tired and my English…" he shrugged.

"It's okay," John said squeezing his shoulders again, and when he felt a small knot under his thumb, he began to gently work it out, rubbing his thumb over it in small circles. "Is this okay?" He realized that he was letting the touchy-feely aspect of his nature take over and he had no idea if anyone other than Carson really wanted him to do that.

"Oh, yes, it helps. I am one big knot."

John shifted Radek around a little more and began working on the knots in earnest. "So you wanted to ask me?"

"Hm? Oh… Yes. A few days ago Rodney was going on about Katie Brown again and I asked him – in good fun, please remember – if he was trying to earn a reputation like yours." Radek risked a look behind him, hoping to prove that John wouldn't take offense at the remark.

"Hey now!" was all John said, with a crooked grin.

Radek shrugged in apology.

"I'll have you know that certain aspects of my personality have been greatly exaggerated. Mostly _by_ Rodney."

"Anyway, when I said this he said that it was no longer a matter of concern because you were-" Radek suddenly cut himself short.

"What?" John asked with a little trepidation.

"I believe I will paraphrase… he believes you and Carson…that…" Radek stopped and cleared his throat.

John heard him mutter something about English idioms and finding out the hard way which ones were to be used in polite company and which ones not. He realized where this was going. "That Carson and I are together?" John rescued him.

"Yes. That," Radek said in relief.

"Well, he's right. We aren't making a big deal of it, but… yeah."

"I will not tell anyone," he said seriously. "And I appreciate your candor. I suspect that perhaps you have not told many people."

"Like I said, we aren't lying about it or anything, we both just tend to think personal lives are, you know, personal."

Radek nodded and they sat quietly for a while, John loosening up a couple of the smaller knots in Radek's neck.

"I think you are very lucky," Radek said after a while.

John shrugged. "Honestly, so do I."

"Were you interested in him for a long time before you said anything?" Radek asked slowly, giving John the impression that he wasn't trying to pry, but that he was genuinely curious.

John thought about Radek's question for a while. "I guess you could say so. I mean, it's one thing to have a crush on someone, it's another to realize that it could be more. And then it's a whole 'nother thing to actually be brave enough to say something. That's what took the longest time – getting up the nerve, finding the right time…"

Radek nodded, looking sad. "Were you worried that he would not feel the same?"

"I think everyone's afraid of rejection. We… we took it slow. He had lots of time to tell me to back the hell off if he wasn't thinking the same way I was." John felt Radek's shoulders get even tenser under his hands.

"Are we working around to a point or are you just taking advantage of the fact that I'm sitting here spilling my guts?" John asked with a smile.

Radek actually laughed quietly. There was a pause before he hung his head and whispered, "I did not mean to pry."

John squeezed his shoulders. "It's okay. If I didn't want you to know I wouldn't have said anything, but I still get the distinct impression there's something _you_ aren't saying."

Radek sighed dramatically. "Last year, after the Wraith attack, when Rodney and I were on many, many drugs to stay awake so that we could build bombs…" Radek stopped and took a deep breath, visibly gathering his thoughts. "We spent very much time together building bombs. And we spent very much time together afterwards being sick. When he is not having to prove to everyone in a room how brilliant he is, he can be very… different."

John thought something had physically hit him in the head when he realized where this was going. "You and Rodney…" He stopped; not sure how much to presume.

"I had only hoped. I had no reason to believe he would be interested in any man, but after that… he was different with me. Not as…"

"Not as 'Rodney', as he is with everyone else?" John put in.

"Not that he does not still have moments where I want to kill him," Radek said slightly more glibly.

John laughed and slid his hands down over Radek's arms, squeezing tight, pleased to find that some of the tension was starting to fade again. "I honestly have no idea if saying anything to Rodney is worth it or not." John found another knot along the side of Radek's spine and dug into it with his thumb. "Like you were saying before, all I've ever heard him go on about are the Sam Carters and Katie Browns and some girl out of his geometry club."

"Algebra, " Radek corrected absently.

"Whatever. He put you through that story too?"

Radek nodded.

John leaned around to try and see Radek's face. Somehow he managed to look both calmer and more despondent. Like talking to someone helped, even if he had ended up learning that his affection would never be returned. Resigned, John realized. Radek was resigning himself to being alone. That worried John more than he realized it would and without thinking he said, "At the risk of sounding like we're in junior high, I can ask some discreet questions." He was at a loss. He wasn't sure what he would have done if Carson hadn't been interested in him.

"No, thank you, Colonel," Radek said after a minute. "I think I have been pathetic enough for now." Radek pulled himself away and stood. He now looked simply exhausted and miserable and like might totally lose it John pushed him any harder on the subject.

John reached out even as Radek headed for the door. "Radek, I didn't mean it like that. Hey, come back."

Radek stopped moving, but he didn't turn back. John watched as he tried to be subtle about wiping his eyes with his fingers.

"I'll stay out of it if it's what you really want. But if you ever need to talk…"

Radek nodded and John thought he heard a muttered, 'thank you', but he wasn't sure and before he could say anything else Radek had hurried inside, leaving him alone on the balcony.

John flopped backwards onto the bench, his head hanging off the end. That really hadn't been what he expected. It was unsurprising that Radek was a little shaken up after the day's events. That he had a thing for McKay… yeah, John hadn't seen that one coming.

He lay back, watching the stars pass overhead for a while, thinking about the day. For Zelenka's sake he'd acted like he knew exactly what he was doing and how they'd go about doing it. The truth was he'd been pretty scared too. And now with the ocean in his ears and the stars overhead he had his first chance to actually deal with the suppressed apprehension. He didn't need to have any kind of huge emotional breakdown or anything – more the opposite. He needed to be still and alone and quiet. He needed to not have people asking how he was, how the mission had gone, how he felt about it all. Once he had processed it all on his own, he could deal with people wanting to help him process it all.

The stars had shifted a number of degrees when he finally got around to checking his watch. It was almost one. He'd been out there for almost three and a half hours including his talk with Zelenka. He supposed it was time for bed.

**Author's Note:**

> From here there are two endings.
> 
> Part Xb is the regular continuation of the Sheppard/Beckett relationship.  
> Part Xc is an AU ending that results in a Sheppard/Beckett/Zelenka relationship.


End file.
